CONVERSE GIVE YOU VARICOSE VEINS

Its official…Converse shoes give you varicose veins. I was told this recently by a taxi driver who swore to me it was the truth. He apparently used to be a cobbler, and he told me (in gross depth) about the amount of Converse-wearing friends he has had over the years who are now stuck with unsightly bulging veins on their legs (male AND female apparently). He complimented me heavily on my choice of footwear (Dr Marten shoes) telling me they were a “sensible choice”.

Allegedly the soles on Converse are just NOT THICK ENOUGH and continued wearing of them over time combined with the lack of shock absorption the paper-thin soles give you sends shock waves up your legs making your veins bulge, or something.

Luckily for Converse wearers worldwide, help has come to conquer this unlikely ailment, from an unlikely source – step forward Queen of crunk (and Queen of buzz singles), post-op transsexual wonder singer CIARA.

Ciara has just premièred her new video for her (admittedly hot) new single “Gimmie Dat” , and she uses the opening minute of the clip to demonstrate her revolutionary new way to combat varicose veins in the Converse-wearing-community…GLASS HEELED CONVERSE :

AMAZING

There are so many things, both wrong and right with the above image I cannot even begin. I feel like a stronger man for knowing that Ciara appears to have a small mole to the left of her vagina, and her glass heeled Converse are just an absolute inspiration and revelation on their own…IN YOUR FACE GAGA.

To be honest, the entire video for “Gimmie Dat” is a bit of a ridiculous event in itself, I find it to be a MUST WATCH EVENT CLIP personally –

HOT RIGHT

I particularly enjoy the following HOT CRUNK TRANSEXUAL video moments –

0.09 – The worlds first glimpse of the HOT NEW HEELED SHOE OF THE SEASON

0.30 – Hello Ciara’s other hot fashion accessory, her “FLY” belt, which looks suspiciously like the phrase “FU” at this exact moment…probably a subliminal message to all the haterz that failed to purchase her last RnB epic RIDE (#75 UK chart smash  hit fact fans)

0.39 – Ciara’s spectacular lean-back-horizontally-wearing-stripper-converse-and-somehow-not-managing-to-fall-over-and/or-break-her-back dance move. Seriously spectacular, how she did it we may NEVER KNOW.

1.16 – Ciara sings the lyric “Better put on my crown”, so in the video Ciara puts on a JEWELED BASEBALL CAP at that precise moment, she is the Queen of crunk after all, genius.

1.57 – Ciara dances on her hands (sadly not her head) for NO APPARENT REASON

2.02 – Enter Ciara’s BUFF AND ARMY CLAD male backing dancers, who give the best added vocal track to a pop song (lots of grunting and shouting HOI) since Tatu enlisted the ENTIRE RUSSIAN ARMY to spice up their (mimed) Not Gonna Get Us performance at Eurovision 2009 –

2.30 Ciara unleashes her move of the video into the collective conciousness of rthe universe (or the 8000 people that have so far bothered to watch this clip on youtube) – sliding backwards between her hot army boi’s legs sending them flying into the air as she does. Ridiculous/amazing, definitely trying this one out on Saturday night.

2.36 – Ciara and her boiz start dancing on a fortress on wooden pallets. What they were used for originally, and who built such a structure NOBODY KNOWS.

2.54 – Ciara strikes the crab pose with the colours inverted for NO APPARENT REASON

3.02 – For some reason it is now raining INSIDE THE WAREHOUSE and Ciara is walking around like she has really bad piles

3.34 – Ciara replaces her HOT MALE DANCERS with a sizeable group of ladies that look EXACTLY LIKE HER, can’t say I can support this decision Ci, the guys were way hotter.

All in all, pretty good song, pretty ridiculous music video.

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One response

  1. Good post – Adoption as Legal Kidnapping | The Third Eve! We will be linking to this particularly great article on our site. Keep up the great writing.

    June 19, 2012 at 3:37 am

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